Some days its really hard to meditate. Days like today when my mind jumps like a frog in a griddle from subject to subject, planning this or worrying about that. Its all I can do to sit still and focus on my breathing.
What happens if my big project at work doesn't pan out? We're having problems with some of the open source tools we've built it on, and I'm leaving so soon...
Focus on the out breath.
What if I wrote a bunch of blog posts today so when I'm feeling less energy, I can get away without writing at all?
Breath in, breath out.
How can I bottle all of this energy up and let it out some other time when I need it?
Focus on the out breath.
Breath out...
Breath out...
Nonstriving is the hardest part of meditation for me. Not trying to achieve anything, accepting days like today as just as valid as the days that feel successful, where I could sit forever just being, and where I spend the rest of the day feeling what my wife calls 'blissed out'.
That probably makes nonstriving the most important part of meditation for me. Reminding myself that not everything I do has to be part of a plan, or progress towards a goal, or building something. Some things can just be.
Thus I can practice meditation as a way to learn how to do things without always needing reasons or goals. Ironic, no? One of my reasons for meditating is to learn how to not always need reasons for doing things. I guess I still need practice.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Transitions and Groundlessness
My wife T and I are in the process of packing up our entire apartment in preparation for 3 months in Guatemala, followed by moving to San Diego. T is starting graduate school in the fall, and we decided to take the transition as an opportunity to live abroad for a while. We'll be in the city of Quetzaltenango (commonly known as Xela), first taking language classes and then volunteering with a women and children's shelter.
Thus, for the month of April, I am working only two days a week, and we're going through everything in our household deciding whether to put it into a storage box or a donation box. This has me feeling somewhat groundless, and as I tend to whenever I'm at loose ends, I'm now thinking about all of the various business and nonprofit ideas I'd like to try starting. The problem with this is that most of them are programming related, and we're about to spend 3 months in a 3rd world country with intermittent internet access and no computers of our own. This makes it slightly less than the ideal time to start a web business or major project.
It is a relief, though, that the burned out feeling where I was no longer having energy for my own side projects, thinking about startup ideas, or writing is starting to go away. It turns out working 9+ hours a day at a startup, commuting 3 hours a day on public transit, and trying to plan a wedding and a trip to Guatemala all at once reduces my ability for spontaneous creativity. With the commuting and working happening only twice a week, the wedding behind us (it went wonderfully!), and the trip close to happening, now I'm itching to start working on new projects.
The one thing I think I can start now that I should be able to keep going is regular blogging. Quetzaltenango has a fairly good supply of internet cafes, so while I won't have a development environment for programming projects, I should be able to regularly check email and blog.
I'll use this extra time and pent up energy as an opportunity to start a habit of blogging, so check in regularly (or subscribe using the links on the left) for updates on life in Guatemala, musings on productivity, mindfulness, and other random thoughts.
Thus, for the month of April, I am working only two days a week, and we're going through everything in our household deciding whether to put it into a storage box or a donation box. This has me feeling somewhat groundless, and as I tend to whenever I'm at loose ends, I'm now thinking about all of the various business and nonprofit ideas I'd like to try starting. The problem with this is that most of them are programming related, and we're about to spend 3 months in a 3rd world country with intermittent internet access and no computers of our own. This makes it slightly less than the ideal time to start a web business or major project.
It is a relief, though, that the burned out feeling where I was no longer having energy for my own side projects, thinking about startup ideas, or writing is starting to go away. It turns out working 9+ hours a day at a startup, commuting 3 hours a day on public transit, and trying to plan a wedding and a trip to Guatemala all at once reduces my ability for spontaneous creativity. With the commuting and working happening only twice a week, the wedding behind us (it went wonderfully!), and the trip close to happening, now I'm itching to start working on new projects.
The one thing I think I can start now that I should be able to keep going is regular blogging. Quetzaltenango has a fairly good supply of internet cafes, so while I won't have a development environment for programming projects, I should be able to regularly check email and blog.
I'll use this extra time and pent up energy as an opportunity to start a habit of blogging, so check in regularly (or subscribe using the links on the left) for updates on life in Guatemala, musings on productivity, mindfulness, and other random thoughts.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The domains of head and heart
As I ride the BART in to work, I feel like I am transiting from the domain of heart to the domain of head.
At home, I have been learning to sit, to breath, to live, and to love in the moment. I have been practicing patience, appreciating the world as it is right now, breathing in the scent of the flowers in spring, the sounds of music, and the endless moments of now.
At work, I reside primarily in my head. This is the domain of solving problems, where we are creating the world as we would would have it. We continuously construct the future, thought by thought and line by line. Instead of casually passing across the surface of experience, thoughts are the edifice of our day to day.
I am happy in both places, but to date they feel like two parts of me, not yetknowing how to coexist, and each somewhat fearful of the other. The train ride between has become a time of uncertainty and transition, with the domain of heart resisting and the domain of head eagerly pressing forward.
At least now I am aware of both, and perhaps by noticing them together they will begin to learn about each other and make peace.
At home, I have been learning to sit, to breath, to live, and to love in the moment. I have been practicing patience, appreciating the world as it is right now, breathing in the scent of the flowers in spring, the sounds of music, and the endless moments of now.
At work, I reside primarily in my head. This is the domain of solving problems, where we are creating the world as we would would have it. We continuously construct the future, thought by thought and line by line. Instead of casually passing across the surface of experience, thoughts are the edifice of our day to day.
I am happy in both places, but to date they feel like two parts of me, not yetknowing how to coexist, and each somewhat fearful of the other. The train ride between has become a time of uncertainty and transition, with the domain of heart resisting and the domain of head eagerly pressing forward.
At least now I am aware of both, and perhaps by noticing them together they will begin to learn about each other and make peace.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Waiting for the Train
From under the overhang
of the space-age dome
of the Millbrae BART station
which some days seems so ordinary
so every day
so normal
but today seems like
something out of a science fiction novel
From under that overhang
I sit here
listening for the screeching
of the train
and hearing only the rattle
of the escalator, the whirring
of the air vents, the whine
of the lights, and the chattering
of the voices behind me.
The clouds continue their
majestic march
across the sky as I sit here,
waiting for the 7:54 southbound
that is just arriving.
of the space-age dome
of the Millbrae BART station
which some days seems so ordinary
so every day
so normal
but today seems like
something out of a science fiction novel
From under that overhang
I sit here
listening for the screeching
of the train
and hearing only the rattle
of the escalator, the whirring
of the air vents, the whine
of the lights, and the chattering
of the voices behind me.
The clouds continue their
majestic march
across the sky as I sit here,
waiting for the 7:54 southbound
that is just arriving.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Barting to my last day at work
I sit here
watching a year of frozen moments
every day the same
every day unique.
The abuelita sitting sideways
is knitting a story about
the young couple caressing
in the middle seats.
There is a girl looking sad
just like every day
one more soul pondering
what has been lost.
Today is like every day
lasting forever
yet ending before I
know it has begun.
Like life, like love,
like working in Berkeley.
watching a year of frozen moments
every day the same
every day unique.
The abuelita sitting sideways
is knitting a story about
the young couple caressing
in the middle seats.
There is a girl looking sad
just like every day
one more soul pondering
what has been lost.
Today is like every day
lasting forever
yet ending before I
know it has begun.
Like life, like love,
like working in Berkeley.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Tonglen on the BART
Looking at you
pregnant lady on the BART
your features etched
with sadness
I feel your pain
as if it were mine
and wish
as I have so often wished
That I were a little braver.
Brave enough to say aloud to you
"Whatever saddens you,
I hope it is better soon".
Such simple words
but I cannot say them
so instead I sit here
in the corner
breathing in your suffering
and breathing out peace.
I doubt it really helps you
but I pray it might.
pregnant lady on the BART
your features etched
with sadness
I feel your pain
as if it were mine
and wish
as I have so often wished
That I were a little braver.
Brave enough to say aloud to you
"Whatever saddens you,
I hope it is better soon".
Such simple words
but I cannot say them
so instead I sit here
in the corner
breathing in your suffering
and breathing out peace.
I doubt it really helps you
but I pray it might.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Consumption and Investment
What is the difference between consumption and investment? A first pass answer is that consumption is the use of resources to provide immediate pleasure, while investment is the use of resources to provide a means for procuring additional resources or reducing the work required to achieve the same results. An example of consumption would be spending on fine food, or television, or a massage. These are immediate pleasures that do not in general provide benefits in obtaining other resources. An example of investment is the purchase of washing machine, which reduces the time needed to was clothes, allowing it to be used for other purposes.
Most examples are not so simple. Is purchasing a new computer consumption or investment? It likely has characteristics of each. To the extent that it allows you to be more productive at writing, doing your taxes, or programming it is an investment. To the extent that you play games on it or surf the net, it begins looking much more like consumption.
The picture gets murkier still when you look at intangible, or even just nonfinancial benefits. Is a liberal arts education an investment? If it does not improve your job prospects, many would argue that it is not. However, if it enables you to enjoy life more, engage in more meaningful relationships, and better understand the world these seem like long term benefits enabled by the education, implying that it was investing in something, if not the ability to generate financial wealth.
A lot of the difficulty seems to come back to a question of value. If an investment is an expenditure of time or money that returns long-term value, what is it that we believe has long-term value? Limiting it to only things that have obvious financial benefit seems too limiting, while extending it to anything that makes someone happy seems too broad. Where is the line here?
Maybe its wrong to assume we need to draw a line. We certainly need to keep in mind the long term impact of any spending that we are doing, but there are no absolutes here. Borrowing endlessly in order to buy more fancy clothes, shiny cars, and oversized houses is almost certainly a problem, and we're seeing much of the after-effect in the current economic collapse. However, if we were to only invest in the future, today would be pretty miserable. In the end, some middle way seems indicated. Consume enough today to stay healthy and happy, but don't eat the seed corn, and give up a little bit of comfort to invest in a better future.
Most examples are not so simple. Is purchasing a new computer consumption or investment? It likely has characteristics of each. To the extent that it allows you to be more productive at writing, doing your taxes, or programming it is an investment. To the extent that you play games on it or surf the net, it begins looking much more like consumption.
The picture gets murkier still when you look at intangible, or even just nonfinancial benefits. Is a liberal arts education an investment? If it does not improve your job prospects, many would argue that it is not. However, if it enables you to enjoy life more, engage in more meaningful relationships, and better understand the world these seem like long term benefits enabled by the education, implying that it was investing in something, if not the ability to generate financial wealth.
A lot of the difficulty seems to come back to a question of value. If an investment is an expenditure of time or money that returns long-term value, what is it that we believe has long-term value? Limiting it to only things that have obvious financial benefit seems too limiting, while extending it to anything that makes someone happy seems too broad. Where is the line here?
Maybe its wrong to assume we need to draw a line. We certainly need to keep in mind the long term impact of any spending that we are doing, but there are no absolutes here. Borrowing endlessly in order to buy more fancy clothes, shiny cars, and oversized houses is almost certainly a problem, and we're seeing much of the after-effect in the current economic collapse. However, if we were to only invest in the future, today would be pretty miserable. In the end, some middle way seems indicated. Consume enough today to stay healthy and happy, but don't eat the seed corn, and give up a little bit of comfort to invest in a better future.
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